Abandonment Issues

Our Fears of Abandonment Are the Catalysts For Our Behavior Patterns and Health Issues

Since 1985, I have developed and practiced a theory that melds the sciences of classical numerology and quantum physics with the concepts of reincarnation and gematria. I call it Cosmic Numerology & Quantum Numbers.


Cosmic Numerology is the study of the patterns associated with the numbers and letters that make up our potential realities. To identify, classify, or categorize realities, we encode them, using letters, numbers, and symbols. Interpreting these codes, using my version of Quantum Numbers, can reveal cause and effect relationships and the psychological and emotional patterns of individuals, groups, businesses, governments, or countries. The interpretation of patterns also includes health issues, emotions, feelings, relationships, family dynamics, addresses, business cycles, food choices, even food cravings.


Numbers and letters represent the codes of creation. Cosmic Numerology views these codes as being generated by conscious choice. Quantum numbers can also reveal pre-conscious concerns and identify life’s challenges and their solutions.


Cosmic Numerology is the study of the patterns associated with the numbers and letters that make up our potential realities. Whether it’s a name, illness, disease, behavior pattern, thought, feeling, or emotion, they all have one thing in common; they symbolize the interrelationships of the energies and events that affect our daily lives.


Using the letters of your name and the numbers of your birthday, Cosmic Numerology interprets the emotional and psychological characteristics you chose to experience in this lifetime as well as identifying your life’s challenges and their soulutions.


In classical numerology, the letters of a name and the birth numbers represent the patterns and timing of events to be experienced. In Cosmic Numerology, a force/energy selects the direction of its evolution. In human beings, the letters of the name and the birthday numbers represent their life’s options.


In classical physics there are absolutes, cause and effect, and duality. In quantum physics there are no absolutes, there are potentials, probabilities, and duality. Cosmic Numerology sees all energy as frequencies composed of combinations of sub-frequencies generated by the blending of the numbers 1 – 9. These combinations are composed of particles (and waves) that ultimately develop a group awareness which leads to a group consciousness. This can be a group of cells, specific body systems, a country, a galaxy, even a universe.


The concept of reincarnation revolves around the idea that we choose what we want to experience in each life. Experiences that are not completed within a lifetime will be completed in future lifetimes. Reincarnation is similar to waking up on your birthday and being given a ticket to an amusement park by your parents. You go to the park and as you enter you are wowed by your choices. You spend the whole day at the park riding as many rides as you can. Some you avoid because they are too scary, others you ignore because they are to “babyish” (been there, done that.) Some rides you are not permitted to ride because you can’t meet their requirements (maybe they have height or age requirements or you need to be accompanied by an adult.) At the end of the day, you are exhausted from all of the activity. You go home and just before drifting off to sleep, ask your parents if you can go back tomorrow, they say yes. You drift off to sleep dreaming of what you intend to do tomorrow.


Gematria, an ancient Kabalistic art, it is a technique used to interpret the energetic relationship of letters, words, phrases, sentences, and paragraphs that have been converted into strings of numbers. It has been my experience that the numbers for health issues frequently correspond with the numbers representing life challenges.


The premise of Cosmic Numerology is, first the Soul has a conversation with the god energy (a distillation of the GOD energies.) in which it reviews its most recent experiences and adventures in co-creating (i.e., what it has mastered, become proficient at, avoided, hasn’t finished or procrastinated starting.). The second step involves the Soul consciously determining what it wants to experience in its upcoming incarnation. It does this by selecting (or omitting) specific letters for its name, then picking a month, day and year to be born, and finally choosing a specific birth or adoptive family.


The choice to include or omit specific letters determines our karmic challenges. The numbers we choose for our m/d/y of birth identify our life’s challenges and their soulutions. These choices include challenges as gentle as a caress (loss of recess in first grade) or as harsh as a 40 ton steel I-beam between the eyes (terminal illness, laid off at 55). For each challenge, there is a specific Soul chosen soulution. The soulution is usually to do less of one thing and more of another or vice versa. For example, one can be either totally insensitive to the needs of others or overly sensitive to the needs of others; in either case, there is a need for balance. It is the same with our etheric and physical Selves, they need to be balanced; when they aren’t, we become susceptible to illness, disease, or physical injury.


Quantum Numbers can answer the questions: When will my business get better? Who am I? Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? Why aren’t things working? When would be the best time to ____? How do I change ____? Why aren’t my relationships satisfying?


Quantum Numbers can identify the underlying patterns of negative behavior that are the catalysts for our health issues. These negative patterns are the result of false cellular memories of feeling abandoned or being punished for some unknown act. How and where did these memories originate? They began when we chose to become co-creators and individualize in physical form. They will end when we remember even in physical form we are part of the divine energy of creation.


The following five-part article is a general description of my belief that behavioral patterns determine the probability of contracting an illness or disease.


Part I A Definition Of GOD Energy

Part II Feelings Of Abandonment

Part III Positive And Negative Energy Particles

Part IV Manifestation Of A Illness Or Disease

Part V Soulutions


I believe that the Soul consciously selects what it wants to experience by choosing, or omitting, specific letters and numbers for its name and birth data. These choices are blended together to form the adventures of our lives and are only made after a “conversation” with the god energy.


Once the numerical sequence of someone’s name and birth data are plotted and the Soul chosen challenges and soulutions overlaid, a picture of life-long behavior patterns emerges. These patterns can be the triggers for illnesses, diseases, injuries, or genetic anomalies.



Part I. A Definition Of GOD Energy 


GOD stands for Gathering Of Deities. The numbers 1 – 9 represent these deities. Everything in creation ( “potential”) and can be combined with or reduced to a number between 1 and 9.


The GOD energies, represented by the combination of the numeric frequencies 1 through 9, are responsible for creation. All of creation is composed of combinations derived from the purity of the numbers 1 – 9. Another term might be the energies of the Big G god. Whatever we call it, its core energy needs to be stepped down to be useful. The analogy would be a lightning bolt. In its pure state, the electricity locked within the lightning can kill us. However, when we harness this power through transformers that can lower its charge, it becomes useable. It can heat our homes, run our factories, cook our food, or light our cities. The same must be done with the GOD energy. In its pure form it would blow our circuits. Therefore, GOD’s energy also needs to be modified so that creation can take place. When the 9 numbers combine their essences, they form a tenth energy, the energy of 0 (zero). This 10th energy is the energy of creation/potential and is usually recognized by humans as the god energy. I call it the little “g” god. For science, this is the source of the “big bang.”


Everything has its origin In the potential of the GOD energy. We choose to be part of the creative process by melding our potential with the energies of the small “g” god. Prior to entering the transition, we create a psychological/emotional blueprint of what we intend to experience and accomplish when we reach our destination - Earth. This blueprint is composed of the letters of our name and the numbers of our birthday. We create this blueprint beforehand because we know that once we start the transition phase, we will lose the memory of whom we truly are and what we volunteered to co-create. It is this temporary “loss of memory” that is the seed of our feelings of cosmic abandonment and isolation. As we pass through the transition field and extend out from Source, we think to ourselves, “What is going on? Where is everybody? Why am I alone? Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished? Why is it dark? We feel we’ve been abandoned or “kicked out” with no explanation. This is because the process of individuation has begun.


Part II. Feelings Of Abandonment

Before we can remember that we chose to physically extend and not separate from Spirit, we enter the process of being birthed as a human being. Again we don’t remember this was our choice; we only feel the pain of our connection (the umbilical cord) being severed. Again we ask ourselves: “What is going on? Why am I alone? Did I do something wrong? Why am I being forced out? Doesn’t anyone love me?” These questions are not answered and we become anxious even fearful thinking that we are alone and abandoned. We think, “This has happened twice. How many more times will I have to experience this pain!?” Our fear of abandonment begins to influence our choices. We decide, through the Ego (Easing God Out), to adopt a behavior pattern of Self-protection by either doing to be loved to maintaining control.


This fear of abandonment leads to four archetypical behavior patterns in humans. At one end of the behavior spectrum is codependency at the other end of the spectrum is the need for control of one’s environment.


Codependency can be divided into three sub-categories, Clingers, Enablers, and Doers. Clingers rationalize, “anything is better than being alone” and regardless of how they are treated, find it almost impossible to leave a relationship. Enablers will support negative behavior patterns because of their desire to be loved. Doers make themselves indispensable. Their rationale is, “I’ll do so much for them, they won’t be able to make-do without me.”


Behavior patterns involving control can also be divided into two subgroups. The first group consists of individuals that choose not to become emotionally involved or attached to anything. In essence they hide or deny their emotions and feelings. They reason that if they don’t connect to something, they can’t be disconnected from it. The most extreme example is the sociopath personality. The second sub-group decides that their safest route is to do for others, but not let anyone ‘do’ for them or ‘to’ them. For example, they will hold the handle of the water fountain so that others may drink in ease, but will not let anyone hold the handle for them for fear that the holder will let go. They feel that “others” cannot be depended upon. (They may also become agitated that no one offers to do for them.)


Like water sloshing back and forth in a tube, we slide between the extremes of doing to be loved or to maintain control reflecting our codependency and control issues. Occasionally, we land on that sweet spot of doing what we love. How do we stay in that sweet spot of doing what we love? We hire trainers. If we go to a gym to work out, we hire an “employee” to train us in the proper use of the equipment. Same thing applies to our lives’; we hire employees to push our buttons of embarrassment, frustration, anger, betrayal, belittlement, disappointment, humiliation, rejection, coercion, and abandonment. We pay these employees time and a half to work weekends and triple time when family and friends are hired.


Our employees are easy to recognize, whenever they appear our blood pressure rises or we feel a constriction in our second or third chakra. The moment you recognize a employee has shown up for work, go to your head and mentally take one step to the side then say to yourself, “Oh, one of my employees has shown up, what have I asked them to teach me today?” This little change in your thought patterns allows you to change your perspective from I’m being attacked or rejected (which can lead to a reactive behavior), to seeing the situation as something you previously set up for your personal growth that would enable you to make more pro-active decisions.


To help you deal with your employees, I want to remind you of something you have forgotten. There is nothing in the Universe exactly like you. Nothing has your exact DNA, cellular structure, or chemical composition. This makes each of us unique…one of a kind. If each of us is unique and we are doing the best we can each moment we are engaged in something (e.g. polishing our nails, preparing a meal, performing a job, etc.) then we are automatically the best in the Universe at what we are doing.


Our goal is to recognize our issues through our life challenges. Once we recognize our patterns, we can become proactive rather than reactive. Our Soul did not choose to come to Earth to experience pain and suffering. It chose to come here as a co-creator with a specific destiny and life calling. Feelings associated with abandonment block our memories of our Divine origin.


Part III. Positive And Negative Energy Particles

Our universe is composed of energy. This energy has both a positive and negative charge to it. According to science, negative particles of energy are larger than positive particles of energy. So, visualize positive energy as a smooth round BB’s and negative energy as being somewhat larger with an irregular shape and jagged edges. Even though these particles are different in size and shape, they flow harmoniously through the universe and our body’s systems (e.g., nervous, circulatory, digestive, muscular, etc.). They are the energies of creation. They are “potential.”


The proportion of negative to positive energy in our etheric and physical bodies increases in direct proportion to the intensity of our abandonment/separation issues. Every time we do something to be loved or to maintain control, we pump one additional particle of negative energy into our bodies. As the proportion of negative particles increases so does the probability of developing health issues. The illnesses and diseases we are most prone to manifest are those that match the numbers of our various life challenges.


Part IV. Manifestation Of A Illness Or Disease

Health issues or injuries can result from karmic choices or by the failure to honor our Soul’s plan for this lifetime. I’m only going to focus on failure to honor the Soul’s choices.)


The manifestation of illness and disease begins the moment we choose the path of self protection based on fears of abandonment. This applies to those that consciously distance themselves from all relationships as well as those that choose codependent relationships.


Let’s go back to positive/negative particles of energy. Every time we do something to be recognized, appreciated, or loved by others, we are acting out of fear; the fear that we are not good enough and will therefore be abandoned or that we will be blamed for the mistakes of others. This behavior pattern causes additional particles of negative energy to enter our system increasing the probability of collisions. Once two negative particles collide, they stick to one another creating an even larger target. As this mass of negative particles expands, it forms a wedge or a constriction that dams up the energy. Positive particles cannot pass through and if they can, it’s only as a trickle. When we recognize this happening in our bodies we identify the blockage as an inflammation.


The following terms have been ranked in the order of their numeric sums. I’ve chosen this ranking to demonstrate the relationship between letters and numbers and their correlation with the developmental stages of an illness, disease, or injury.


Inflammation = 55/1

An inflammation is the initial (1) visual manifestation of a blockage caused by excess negative energy. It is the point from which negative energy expands. Initiated by “I n flame,” an internalization of anger or frustration (by the Ego) that inhibits forward movement.


Pain = 22/4

Our physical body, our foundation (4), seeks our attention. Pain is calling us to look at our foundation issues. Its appearance can be caused by an imbalance in energies relating to sensitivity (e.g., emotions, relationships, anxieties).


Acute = 14/5

A spike of excess negative energy, causing a physical response within the body, e.g., banging a sore finger on the edge of a table. Or a constriction (4) in the flow of energy due to low self-esteem or a lack of Self-awareness (1) for example, situations that involve mucus (14/5) generated by a “head cold”. The mucus can represent “backed up” feelings or emotions that overflow through the throat (1). This leads to coughing (48/3), which is the physical body trying to rid itself of the bottled up feeling or emotion.


Infection = 50/5

The movement of negative energy into adjoining areas. An infection calls our attention to what we’ve been inattentive to. It calls for attentiveness and being present (5) in the moment. It also calls for self-confidence and being able to “let go.”


Chronic = 43/7

Control issues, combined with pessimism, make it difficult for the mind/body to heal itself. (Control issues are associated with the universal core issue of abandonment.) Pessimism (3) and procrastination or stubbornness (4) can lead to a long-term depressive state or a state a mental, emotional, or physical paralysis (7).


Disease = 26/8

The manifestation of negative energy in a physical form involving sensitivity /communication (2), responsibility (6), and personal power (8); also tied in with Karmic (28/1) Lessons (22/4…[50/5]).


Virus = 26/8

Deals with issues of group sensitivity and responsibility and individual consequences. A virus, electronic or organic, always affects groups. Viruses are agents for change.


Karma = 17/8

Fears of abandonment and/or loss of control may prevent an individual from finishing what they started. Karma is unfinished business. The numbers represent: Self-tests (1); learning about trust, vulnerability, patience, (7); issues involving the use and abuse of personal power (8).


Illness = 27/9

An illness is the emotional manifestation of negative energy. The stuffing or internalizing of emotions becomes the catalyst for the physical manifestation of a disease. The numbers represent: self-expression and communicating feelings (2); learning about trust, vulnerability, patience, and letting go of a “need to be needed” (7). A 9 here indicates a tendency to internalize not only personal emotions but also those of others. The negative 9 can also represent a very strong need to be thanked, recognized, appreciated or loved.


Following are some examples and brief descriptions of the relationship between life challenges and diseases. For more detailed descriptions and explanations, refer to my book "Numerology for Healing." (The numbers in parentheses represent the numerical equivalent of the letter values of the disease being discussed.)


Alzheimer’s Disease = 79/16/7

The numeric pattern of 79/16/7 shows that this disease is a result of unresolved issues involving the need to be in control (7), internalizing emotions (9), being overly protective of others (79), having a lack of self-esteem (1), and a concern about making mistakes or being misunderstood (7). I believe that individuals that “contract” this illness have tried to mentally or physically control their environment due to very strong feelings about abandonment. They have tried throughout their entire lives to put ‘square pegs’ into round holes (16). They may see themselves as martyrs (the cause only known to them). They offer advice when it hasn’t been asked for then become frustrated, disappointed, angry, inflexible or unforgiving when their advice (26/8) or assistance is ignored. Their anxiety (35/8) about not being able to make everything perfect for everyone all of the time (16), places a strain on their nervous system (53/8). They may have a messianic sense of responsibility (16/7) i.e., a need to save or protect everyone and a belief that if they don’t their inadequacies will be pointed out by others (7). There is also a tendency to internalize their emotions and not “release” them (9), placing additional strain on their nervous system.


Other patterns involve issues related to control and retaliation.

If an individual always needed to maintain control, now they have no control. They must be totally dependent on others for their well being. The other side of the coin is an individual that was always doing for an other or others, now others will do for them.



Number 7 lessons are about trust, skepticism, control, faith, patience, and surrender.

A positive 7 is: trusting, spiritual, analytical, psychic, introspective, empathetic, objective, open and vulnerable, a seeker of knowledge, patient, aware of a bigger picture.


A negative 7 can be: willful, controlling, faithless, fearful, impatient, have a need to be needed, emotionally closed, suffer paralysis (mental, emotional, or physical) as a result of being overly analytical, emotionally disconnected, a zealot, a martyr


The ultimate consequence of this disease is an involuntary loss of mental and physical control leading to total dependency on others; the opposite their lifelong behavior pattern – vulnerability vs. self control.


Breast (20/2) Cancer (26/8) = 46/1

An over sensitivity (2) to the needs of others (6) causing a suppression of Self (1) along with control issues (4). What is interesting is that it occurs more often in women than men and is located near the heart Chakra.


Cancer is an 8 and deals with self-empowerment issues. Don’t be afraid to say “yes” or “no” to others. The deeper we bury something whether it’s a dream, an emotion, or a feeling the more it wants to surface. Catalysts for cancer are: unrealistic expectations, issues involving responsibility, difficulty letting go of emotional or physical attachments, repressed feelings, and unresolved emotions. There’s a churning at the cellular structure that can evolve into anger or frustration. These emotions and feelings are associated with core issues related to love, control, and abandonment. In this instance, the anger or frustration is triggered by feelings of not being appreciated for who you are and what you do for others. The 8 total for cancer is about having the courage to “walk your talk.”


Chronic (43/7) Fatigue (33/6) = 76/13/4

The combination of 76/13/4 indicates this is related to having a lack of self-acceptance (1) along with self imposed feelings of inadequacy (3). This can lead to procrastination or stubbornness (4) which itself can lead to a state of physical exhaustion (7). These individuals also have a tendency to commit themselves to “doing for others” to the point of martyrdom (33/6) thereby depleting their sense of self (1). The 7 indicates aspects of needing to be in control due to a fear/anxiety about abandonment and vulnerability. Trying to maintain control is very tiring . . . even exhausting.


The 13 is a karmic number representing a cycle of death and rebirth. This cycle is interrupted because the individual is skeptical of the outcome and gets lost in the details to the point of procrastination (4). The 1 and the 3 indicate feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.


Colitis = 33/6

Perfectionist tendencies and high expectations for self or others (6) along with an inclination toward martyrdom disturbs the digestive system. Also present is an imbalance in the area of the third chakra caused by feelings of inadequacy. (Abandoned transposes to a 33.)


Alcoholic = 42/6

An alcoholic has sensitivity and communication issues (2) as well as abandonment (40/4) and control issues (4). Unrealistic expectations of themselves and others can bring frustration and a touch of martyrdom (6) 


Alcoholism = 44/8

An inability to stand up for self-beliefs (44) leads to internalized and/or externalized anger (8). There is also the element of procrastination (4) and fears of abandonment.


Cold = 16/7 

A karmic number indicating a messianic behavior pattern (i.e., feeling personally responsible for making certain that there are no mistakes so your image remains intact and unchallenged.) This can also represent a time when responsibility can seem overwhelming (6) causing self-esteem issues to arise (1). This can lead to “forcing an issue” (16).


A cold is the energy that reminds us to let go. It brings about a state of being incapacitated or paralyzed in some way – physical, mental, emotional. It provides time to investigate the lesson to be learned. 



Acquired (42/6) Immune (30/3) Deficiency (56/2) Syndrome (41/5) = 169/16/7

Individuals (1) not being responsible for their actions (6) because they want love in their life (9) . . . underlying cause of the behavior patterns is the abandonment issue. The 16 being a karmic number indicates the probability of catastrophic events resulting from personal actions that run counter to what you “feel” is the right thing to do.




Part V. Soulutions

How do we alter our negative patterns? We begin by learning to honor our Self. It’s obvious that this is easier said than done. Why is it so hard to honor our Self? Because to do so, usually calls down the wrath of those we’ve always put first. I call these individuals spiritual trainers. Much like hiring a “physical trainer” to help us get into better physical condition, we hire spiritual trainers to help us with our spiritual awakening. We audition them, hand them a script and a check and tell them to question our abilities, our motives, our decisions, and our dreams. They will utter phrases like: “Don’t be so selfish.” “You’ve changed.” “You’re not the person I used to know.” “You’ll never succeed.” “You never do what I want.” “You don’t care.” “That’s really stupid.” “You think you’re better than everyone else.” “If you loved me you would . . . .” These are all “hooks” to snag us and draw us back into manipulative relationships; relationships where we did things to be loved, recognized, appreciated, thanked or to maintain control. These are people we wrote into our life script to test our resolve and to teach us to honor what we feel (and know) in our hearts to be true. Sometimes this requires us to leave relationships, partnerships, even friendships. Passing these “built-in” tests will allow us to start doing what we love instead of “doing” to be loved or to maintain control. These trainers will help us remember our divine mission.


In my book Know Your Numbers, Know Your Self, I talk about the importance of the Achievement Number. This number is derived from the month and day of birth and identifies everyone’s core issue. It is the hub of our numerological wheel; all of the other numbers in our chart radiate from it like spokes on a wheel. It determines our negative behavior tendencies in relation to our prime numbers as well as providing the soulution to those negative behaviors. It is the key number for determining right action and overcoming our abandonment issue.


Until you become aware of and resolve the issues associated with your Achievement Number, its negative aspects will rule your life. If for example your Achievement Number is a 3, you must learn to finish what you start by overcoming feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and inferiority. Whether it’s flipping pancakes or performing brain surgery, if you feel/know in your heart that you are the best at what you do, and love doing it, then the feelings of inadequacy and insecurity dissolve and never return.


Every challenge has a soulution. What’s most interesting about the soulution to the Achievement Number is that regardless of which of the nine Achievement numbers you have chosen for your Self (any birthday between January 1 and December 31), the soulution for every Achievement challenge is 9. The soulution is to always act and think for the highest good of all by doing what you love and what gives you the greatest joy. The soulution of 9 also indicates that we must overcome the fears associated with that aspect of our Self we call Ego. To do this, the Ego needs to communicate with its higher Self (Soul) thereby overcoming the fear that it is alone, unloved, and abandoned and that its existence on Earth is a punishment for some unknown action it can’t remember. None of this is true. Our Soul never forgets its connection with the GOD energy. Our soul has consciously decided to enter the earth realm to complete its divine mission. It did not come here to be in pain, experience loneliness, or “screw up.” (See Exercises: Four Phases of Personal Growth.)


The prescription for healing your Self is to follow your heart not your head (See Exercises: Technique for Always Making The Right Decision.) To do this, you need to do what you love and stop “doing” to be loved or to maintain control.


This article is a summary of the theories in my third book, Numerology for Healing (Inner Traditions, Destiny Imprint, January 2009.)



Michael is the author of "Numerology for Healing" and "Numerology for Decoding Behavior" both by Inner Traditions/Bear & CO. He has also written a textbook, "Know Your Numbers, Know Your Self: Discovering the Solutions to Your Life’s Challenges" describes his system of Cosmic Numerology.


Michael is available for consultations and presentations. He can be reached via email at Michael@awakener.com or by phone 561.866.5479


Cosmic Numerology

By: Michael Brill